Friday, June 24, 2011

Maybe I am just a little bit crazy - a manfesto of a man looking for a sustainable world.

(revised 9/26/2011) I was made to believe I had mental problems when I was 18. What an age to be crazy: the world was small enough to be sensible in some ways, but large enough to be incomprehensible in other ways.

I had made a poor attempt at crazy then. But a thought had occurred to me a few years later. If I was so miserable why not live a little?

I enlisted in the Army half way through my incomprehensible studies in the tower of a philosophical Babel. If my life should be so pointless, it shall be a worth while if I can try to save someone else’s life – someone who was not crazy and wanted to live a good life.

More than ten years later, I learned that everyone is a little bit crazy. How I felt in my youth was only the beginning of my understanding of a crazy world. Through my experiences on the battlefield, plugging bullet holes on some teenager’s body and picking up pieces of brain of what was a sensible young man looking to go home tomorrow, I learned that crazy is a good thing because it got you through the incomprehensible thing we called life.

But there is a spectrum of being crazy. Most of us stand far enough on that spectrum to deal with the incomprehensibleness of life. We learn to move on with pills or therapy. I self-medicated with beer and shine and I also enrolled in therapy for a brief period. But I learned that neither was the solution to my craziness; at most they were letting me to believe I was along side of everyone else – a collective acceptance of what is incomprehensible.

Then I acquired a cause and a duty to carry forward for something more than just my own healing. My world became sensible because there is now something beyond the spectrum of my craziness and I am the steward of that sensible future.

I once had a friend who told me that I do things because I cared. I was flattered but I told him it was because I cared for my own well being that I do things for others, for the world. I now realized the incompleteness of that truth – I do things for others and for the world because I want to be accepted the way I am, I want to be normal. But without changing who I am I had to change the world.

That is my path to search for a sustainable future of our world – one that is more sensible for the likes of my 18 year-old-self. I have been called a radical optimist once, but now I see that I am no more than a youth trying to reach for the sky, learning the sky has no limits and finding my own limits from building a world of tomorrow. I am a man, who would bleed just as our planet would; I am an incomprehensible man trying to make sense of the world for my children to stand more balanced on the crazy spectrum.

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